You know that bustling, green and yellow colored feeling when you wait to write your essay right before the day it's due? Well that's the kind of tug a war feeling I had this week, with me losing and falling face first into the muddy puddle - with no extra change of clothes.
My mind was filled with restless, pressurizing thoughts - the kind that make you feel mentally queasy due to how disruptive they are.
It's already been 3 weeks?! I'm suppose to film every week or at least every 2 weeks.. Why can't my body keep up with me? I have things to do! What am I going to film anyways?! I have no ideas right now. Ughhh.
You see, I was sick the past 2 weeks and the pressure to film a video for my YouTube channel was infesting within me. I kept trying to draw up an idea, but the creativity well ran dry. And with each passing day, the pressure to put out a video increased. Even as I type, those weighty words attempt to crawl back up and find a dwelling place.
As soon as my antibiotics made me feel better, I knew the filming day was very near. I lay in bed Saturday night, internally planning to film a video Sunday after church.
The sooner the better, and if I don't like it, I can always film again once I get back home Wednesday. I'll already have my makeup done so I have to film tomorrow. But what is it going to be about? What am I going to talk about? ahhh.. okay. If I have an idea on Sunday I'll film one hundred percent.
Rebecca, you need to rest. You just got better today, take a break. You will have another day to film.
But I have to! What if I don't? I have to film tomorrow.
You need to rest. Don't film tomorrow.
Fine. I won't.
And with that, I fell asleep.
Despite that internal wrestling match and admitting my defeat, I was too stubborn to not let it not go my way. I ended up filming as soon as I got home from church. It took about 5 takes and 1 hour of filming to finally get a video that I was somewhat happy with. Later that night, I looked at the only usable footage and it turns out I accidentally made the entire video blurry.
At that time, I didn't think much of it and thought how I could film a different video while on my family trip on Monday. I called one of my friends to rent a "probably-more-expensive-than-my-brothers-car-payment" kind of camera lense. I treated it with care and no damage, that is.......until I got home and got out of the car. Yes, can you believe that I dropped the lense 5 minutes into arriving home?
Yet, even after that incident I planned another video to film while on the ride to home, so within a hour of dropping and denting a L series lense, I filmed another video. I ended up not liking the video, and went to bed that night feeling even more mentally and physically exhausted than I should have been. Oh, and my video editing program broke. And at this very moment, writing these past events show me how crazy this all is!
Now flash forward to today, and something different happened.
My mom and I were talking about a bible story - you know the one about the rich man wanting to go to heaven and how Jesus told him to sell all his possessions? It's Matthew 19:16-22 if you want to read about it. Anyways, as my mom was explaining a part of that story to me, she said,
"...Jesus knew the man's heart and how money was number one in his life. So Jesus knowing his heart, He told him, that in order for the him to go to heaven, he needs to sell all his things. It's like if Jesus told you that you need to get rid of your camera to go to heaven.......*inaudible talking*.."
"It's like if Jesus told you that you need to get rid of your camera to go to heaven."
Those words kept replaying as my mom was talking. It was at that sentence when someone began to call me out. The Holy Spirit.
Would you be able to do that Rebecca? Would you be able to drop all your desires, wishes, and dreams to follow Him?
The Holy Spirit strongly convicted me how I had made this whole video making my idol this past week. Even a couple days ago I prayed to God to show me the idols in my life, if there were any, and my oh my He did. How crazy is all this?! I was being so unresponsive to what God was whispering to me all this time, and finally, finally I listened. My stubborn little ears. Although I don't think God wants me to let go of making videos (or right now at least), I do know He wants me to stop allowing it to take the place where He belongs in - even good things, good dreams, good people can become idols in your life. And I believe that if anything stands in the place where God should be, He can take it away from your life.
It makes me so glad to finally attentive to His voice and listen to it. Because when I rest in His presence and seek Him before anything, I find the peace that is promised. Elsewhere, I find a black hole of restlessness. He is truly the desires of desires.
Because in the end, He is all we need. So tonight I want to take my dreams and my longings and lay it down the altar - willing to surrender them before the Lord.
So to end this post, if God were to ask you to put down something you prize very much to follow Him, would you do it?
Image By: LifeOflJack